RELIEF

Miss Creative is in a MUCH better mood today.  CALMER.  She went shopping.  It seems to have cheered her up.  She bought:
TRASH CAN (good---lots of trash around here)
OUTDOOR HOSE (good---for that dried-up yard)
BANANAS (???---and they're probably cooked after travelling in the hot car from the store to here)
LONG OUTDOORS EXTENSION CORD (good---for that weed-whacking)
DUSTBUSTER (good---plenty of dust here needs busting)
SUN REFLECTOR FOR CAR WINDSHIELD (good---the next purchase of bananas won't be Baked Bananas before they get home)
NEW LATCHES TO KEEP INTERIOR DOORS SHUT (bad---makes it hard for me  to silently snoop and eavesdrop  to...um...to vacuum the whole house...um...in a hurry...) (ACTUALLY, WHEN DID I LAST VACUUM THE HOUSE?  EVEN NOT IN A HURRY?)  ( In fact, have I ever vacuumed the house?)

ALARMS

Poor Miss Creative.  Wait.  Did I just say that?  "Poor" Miss Creative?  Not "ridiculous" Miss Creative?  Or "absurd" Miss Creative?  I must be...softening.  Not a good sign.  Anyway.  Miss Creative has been...well, over-reacting to things.  All day long.  The first episode was about the "evidence of fire ants" in the back yard.  But look at this photo.  There are No Actual Fire Ants in sight.  (Or ants of any other kind, for that matter.)  This "evidence" could have been caused by any number of things.  Like...um...high temperatures?  Cactus spines?  The neighborhood dog barking?  Probably nothing at all to do with fire ants.  And even if it is fire ants---so what?  Maybe they're...tasty.

The next episode was over these five-foot weeds in the back yard.   I'm not fond of weeds myself.  They're a pathetic specimen of the plant world.  Nothing like pine trees---or even oaks or maples.  But you humans are always chain-sawing things down.  Mowing things down.  Weed-whacking things down.  Why not just put one of those infernally noisy machines to work for a few minutes?  Presto.  No more weeds.  So QUICK AND EASY.  (But not for Miss Creative, of course.)

The next meltdown was about the "black widow spiders".  Look at this photo.  A close-up of one of our house windows.   Do you see Miss Creative's black widow spider?  No?  That is because there is no black widow spider there.  Black widow spiders do live in this climate.  I've seen them.  And I'm DELIGHTED about that.  Those crunchy black morsels are...well, they're candy for folks like me.  Nocturnal morsels.  As I am.  (Nocturnal, that is.  Not a morsel.)  So convenient.  But poor Miss Creative---oops.  There I go again.  Pitiful Miss Creative---NO.  Stupid Miss Creative over-reacted again.  One black widow spider under a pile of leaves doesn't mean thousands creeping all over the house and yard.  (Unfortunately.  What a repast THAT would be.) 

I'm not sure how much more I can stand.  The episodes, I mean.  Right now Miss Creative is having tea and cookies.  Let's hope she...well, takes a nap.  Or something.  For my sake, at least.

  

THE TRIP: DAY SIX

12:37 p.m.

Home at last!

THE TRIP: DAY FIVE

More big BIG skies today.  Too bad about That CAT being on the trip.  If it weren't for him, Miss Creative wouldn't have had to be in such a HURRY on this trip.  And then I would have had time to take lots of photographs of everything I've seen.  Like all the creatures:  rabbits, hares, falcons, hawks, cattle, horses, crows, turkey buzzards, armadillos, squirrels, woodchucks.  (These are all the LIVE creatures I've seen.  I'm not counting the ones that...well, I'm not counting my snacks and meals.)  And the miles and acres of crops:  grapes in New York and Pennsylvania.  Corn in Ohio and Indiana and Illinois.  Cattle in Oklahoma and Texas.  And all the trees bent permanently to the north in Oklahoma and Texas---from the wind.  (No wonder they have so many windmills there.)  Tonight we are in Gallup, New Mexico.  And tomorrow we will arrive in Phoenix.  I actually think I'm going to almost be sorry when the trip is over...

THE TRIP: DAY FOUR

I am now now under the BIG skies of Texas...well, Miss Creative too...and that dratted CAT of course...

  

Here we're finishing up our in-room dinner (courtesy of MacDonalds)... 

  That is, Miss Creative and I are finishing up.  That CAT is eating HIS dinner in complete privacy (which means, in the darkened bathroom, under the sink), so he won't freak out.  (And by "freak out" I mean, he won't eat.  Very bizarre.  I can't imagine anything interfering with MY appetite.) Later Miss Creative will go off to the INDOOR POOL.  And I will watch for tasty...um, flying things...out the open window (no canned air, at least for tonight, thank goodness)...

THE TRIP: DAY THREE

We've stopped for the night.  Near Springfield, Missouri.  And I'm looking at this huge pine tree right next to our motel doorway. 

Maybe it will make up a bit for the less than desirable qualities---all right, sleaze and grime---of our room.  A big black fly buzzing around---no, TWO big black flies.  No---THREE big black flies.  (Actually, the flies have now been, um, taken care of.  By me.)  The pool Miss Creative was so looking forward to?  Out of commission.  The next-door restaurant?  Closed.  The valet and coin laundry?  Non-existent.  Not that Miss Creative was planning to do laundry.  But who am I to complain?  This is our only dud in hotel rooms...so far...

THE TRIP: DAY TWO

Here we are in...Ohio, I guess.  (Miss Creative doesn't let me see her papers about the trip and where we are.  I mean...I did see them, but...well, I can't remember where we were supposed to be on Day Two.  Or on any other day.  And I can't go poking around in her stuff when she's right there watching me.  I have my standards, after all.)

Here's our hotel room.  Already reduced to a shambles by you know who.  (In other words, NOT ME.)  We've only been in it for ten minutes.  So what else is new?  More tomorrow...

THE TRIP: DAY ONE

Miss Creative and I packed the car yesterday.  (Notice that Miss Creative's brand new backpack is even more embarrassing than mine.) 


Actually Miss Creative packed the car by herself. 

I made lots of good suggestions about how to pack the car.  But of course SHE paid no attention whatsoever.  

In fact she got very annoyed at me.  I have no idea WHY.

Well, that was yesterday.  Today we completed the first leg of our trip to Phoenix.  We're now at our hotel in Rochester, New York.  Or maybe it's Syracuse.  Or Buffalo.  Or somewhere.  Miss Creative drove, of course.  (No chance of me ever being allowed to even touch the wheel.)  But I have to hand it to her.  She always keeps to the speed limit.  (Well, maybe she goes a tiny bit over the speed limit.  Even so, our vehicle is always the slowest one on the road.)  Right now dear Miss Creative is off playing in the heated indoor pool and the hot tub, after which she's ordering a steak dinner at the restaurant.  (I didn't realize she was such a ...such a sybarite.)  She left ME behind in the hotel room.  All alone.  Except for that CAT.  (Not that he's ever a problem for me.  All I have to do is snap my beak at him.  Makes him cower under the bed for hours.)  Ooops---here she comes.  Got to shut this down.  Try to look sad and lonely...  

INCREDIBLE

I don't think we'll ever make it to Phoenix.  There was this heap of papers lying around on Miss Creative's desk.  All of her scribblings and scratchings about the trip.  (I just happened to look through them this morning.  I couldn't help it.  I practically had to fly through them just to get to my breakfast.)  So.  Our second night on the road is supposed to be in Vandalia, Ohio.  But guess where dear Miss Creative booked the motel?  In---you won't believe it---Vandalia, ILLINOIS.  A problem.  For sure.  Because when we arrive in Vandalia, OHIO (assuming that we ever do arrive there) the motels in Vandalia, OHIO probably won't allow that wretched cat (who unfortunately is travelling in the car with me) into their rooms.  If there's even a room available for dear Miss Creative herself in Vandalia, OHIO.  Since she hasn't made a reservation in Vandalia, OHIO.  Should I point all this out to her?  I can try.  But you know that she never listens to me.  

I wonder what other stupid mistakes Miss Creative has made with the travel plans???  I'm getting a very bad feeling about this trip...

ONCE AGAIN...

Bad news.  Bird Lady is still here.  Haven't managed---YET---to, um, carry out my plans about that...little difficulty.  Too much of a hodge-podge going on here.  All because Miss Creative suddenly decided yesterday.  That we are leaving for Phoenix on SUNDAY.  The day after tomorrow.   And she is driving us in her car.  (She didn't bother to ask me.  Or even tell me.  I  was eavesdropping  just happened to overhear her talking on the phone.  She was making motel reservations.)  Inconsiderate of her.  (As usual.)  There were all sorts of things I wanted to do before we left.  Like...well, like my Bird Lady problem.  Now I can't.  Too much ruckus and distraction.

Of course if it were just ME, everything would be completely organized.  Neat and tidy.  Not like that...that MESS  you see up there.  But do I have any control over what Miss Creative does?  NO.  Not sure if I'll survive this...       

RECONSIDERING...

Not sure I can go through with my plan about Bird Lady.  Just thinking about all that sawdust and stuff...

...It makes my gizzard start to.....Uh oh...it's happening again...gotta go...

SO MUCH FOR THAT...

 This LOOKS dramatic, doesn't it?  The rough wild ocean after the hurricane?  Well, I was there.  And it was a big disappointment.   People were surfing in those waves.   In fact I was planning to surf them myself, except  luckily  unfortunately I had...um...forgotten my surfboard.  And all those weather predictions?  120 mile per hour winds?  Flooding?  Trees falling over?  Power outages?  Well, it didn't happen.  (Really embarrassing for the forecasters.   They'll probably lose their jobs.  Serves them right.  I went to a lot of trouble, and even dislodged a few feathers, just to secure my belongings before the storm.  All for nothing.)  Anyway I've got more important things to think about.  Bird Lady.  And that letter she wrote to Miss Creative.  There's this one part....
  

...and it's given me an idea.  Bird Lady could just...disappear.  Even though she's WOODEN.  Ugh.  Very unappetizing.  Probably indigestible.  But a stomach ache...might be a small price to pay...for a solution to my problem....

HURRICANES...

As you probably know, Miss Creative and her sister and her sister's children will be experiencing Hurricane Earl tomorrow.  (So will lots of other people.  And pines.  And chipmunks.)  But there's another hurricane that you don't know about.  Going on at the same time.  The hurricane inside ME, Bessie Beetum.  And the cause of this?  Bird Lady.  This is how it happened.  Miss Creative is getting her things organized.  (That's what SHE calls it, anyway.  I call it making a bad mess worse.)  Anyway.  Dear Miss Creative left a whole lot of stuff all over the place.  So of course I just couldn't help  snooping through everything and discovering---oops, I mean stumbling across completely by accident this...well, this thing called Bird Lady.  (I can hardly spit out the name.)

 Did you ever see such---such frivolous, SILLY clothing?  Such a grotesque, weird wooden creature?  Nestled inside a box that is lined with pink tissue paper?  (I almost feel sick to my gizzard.)  But there's something much worse.  

 This letter from Bird Lady to Miss Creative that  I discovered under a stack of...er, that just happened to come fluttering right under my beak.   I can't bear to repeat all the---the sweet talk---that it contains.  But look at the signature.

My crop is churning.  Miss Creative never wrapped ME in pink tissue paper.  She never saved any letters from ME.  (Not that I ever wrote her any.  And if I did I certainly wouldn't sign myself "Yours forever."  But that's beside the point.)  Obviously Miss Creative has fallen completely under the spell of this...this insincere, toadying Bird Lady.   I fear the worst.  It's obvious.  I've been supplanted by Bird Lady in Miss Creative's...oh, I can't even think about it anymore....